


crying isnt productive

by ram (miggimaggi)



Category: Minecraft (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, But Only a Little Bit - Freeform, Hurt No Comfort, I'm Sorry, Mentioned Cara | CaptainPuffy, Mentioned Jack Manifold, Mentioned Niki | Nihachu, Mentioned Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Mentioned Ranboo (Video Blogging RPF), Mentioned Sam | Awesamdude, Mentioned Technoblade (Video Blogging RPF), Mentioned TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Poor Toby Smith | Tubbo, Ram Hybrid Toby Smith | Tubbo, Toby Smith | Tubbo Angst, Toby Smith | Tubbo Needs a Hug, hes just sad, livin it up, nvm we got beta reader, we need momma puffy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-17 04:07:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29219226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miggimaggi/pseuds/ram
Summary: Well a visitor was a visitor, right? Tubbo liked to think anyone would be happy to have a visitor, no matter their reasoning when they were as lonely as he was. Well, he wasn’t that lonely. The ram hybrid had friends, plenty of them! He had Tommy and Ranboo and Niki and, if he simply side stepped what Jack was really around for, Jack. Even if none of them visited often, that was just fine with Tubbo. They all had their own lives and their own people; Ranboo had Phil and Techno. Niki and Jack had each other.And Tommy? Well, Tommy had Sam and Puffy and. . . Tubbo couldn't bring himself to think Tommy also had him.( In which Tubbo thinks over what Snowchester is and what he's become )
Relationships: Toby Smith | Tubbo & Loneliness
Comments: 5
Kudos: 81





	crying isnt productive

**Author's Note:**

> hi, im Ram and this was going to be a momma puffy fic but maybe another day :]
> 
> bit of a cw, just in case;
> 
> \- brief talk of death  
> \- strong language  
> \- harsh self deprecation or self hatred 
> 
> enjoy the fic, i tried my best with my angst so sorry if it's literal garbage i should be doing a science lab but i do not like science so here i am instead

Snowchester was a beautiful little commune. It was compact, covered in a thin blanket of snow, surrounded by untouched forest and a vast sea. The houses were all cozy and small, little log cabins built for comfort, made for people to enjoy their time visiting the commune. Too bad Snowchester had one sole citizen. Too bad Snowchester’s only visitor wasn't there for Tubbo but merely for what Tubbo had to offer in weaponry.

Well a visitor was a visitor, right? Tubbo liked to think anyone would be happy to have a visitor, no matter their reasoning when they were as lonely as he was. Well, he wasn’t  _ that _ lonely. The ram hybrid had friends, plenty of them! He had Tommy and Ranboo and Niki and, if he simply side stepped what Jack was really around for, Jack. Even if none of them visited often, that was just fine with Tubbo. They all had their own lives and their own people; Ranboo had Phil and Techno. Niki and Jack had each other. 

And Tommy? Well, Tommy had Sam and Puffy and. . .  _ Tubbo couldn't bring himself to think Tommy also had him. _

But that was fine! At least Tommy was in his life  _ at all _ , the blonde didn’t have to do that-- let Tubbo back in, that is. The ram hybrid knew in Tommy’s spot, he probably wouldn’t have forgiven himself. Sure, most thought he was a very forgiving person but he was simply a rational thinker. As in the case of Techno, Tubbo could forgive the older hybrid because from a  _ logical perspective  _ of knowing how Technoblade fared with social anxiety, his actions were not justified per say, but explainable. There was a reason behind his actions and that was more than enough for giving forgiveness. 

At this point, all the reasonings Tubbo could think of behind even one of his own wrong doings weren’t the tiniest bit excusable. Barely even explainable, let along forgivable. 

Thinking too much about it hurt the brunette's head.

Tubbo still hoped sometimes that he could have someone else to come live with him. Snowchester was beautiful but it was quiet. The only voice being his own as the hybrid hummed while he worked on redstone projects or spoke softly with the nearby foxes or sometimes the soft wails that echoed through the empty house labeled as his.

Crying was unproductive but it. . . it felt nice. To finally release some sort of feeling Tubbo usually kept balled up in his chest for weeks or months on end until that balloon just  _ popped _ . Those weeks or months of keeping his emotions locked away were narrowed down to days the longer the 17 year old lived in Snowchester. 

Was it. . . was it too much to ask for someone to visit? Maybe it was, maybe Tubbo was just that much of a horrible person that the thought of living within a 100 ft radius of him made them second guess even the idea of visiting.

_ Oh _ . . . Tubbo went to lay his head between his knees but the uncomfortable rub of fabric against his damp face had him reeling back. This wasn't an uncommon feeling, no not at all, but it still was uncomfortable no matter how many times it happened.

_ Unproductive, unproductive, unproductive. _

If his weaponry was the only reason people would visit, he had to be  _ productive _ . 

_ But. . . _

  
  


_ But. . . it felt nice _ . The thought made Tubbo cry just a bit harder, the pressure between his eyes seemed to be too much.

Here he was, sat on a random afternoon crying against the side of his house. The ram hybrid should've felt shame explode against his chest, but then again, why should he?

_ No one was going to see him cry anyways. _

_ That’s fine _ , Tubbo decided as quickly as the thought came, _ I’d feel worse if someone saw me like this anyways.  _

It wasn't like the brunette wasn't used to it, no, he's been used to it since the beginning of all the shit he had been put through; the countless wars  _ (even if he didn’t want any part of them) _ , Dream  _ (the bastard with his hands in every conflict) _ , Eret’s betrayal  _ (how could Tubbo forget his first death?) _ , the way Tommy still eyed him with apherension  _ (despite how he had done everything for his best friend, his  _ brother _ ) _ , the way his “family” turned a blind eye when one of the  _ real _ sons got hurt--

_ Embarrassment _ was the firework that exploded first.

Then  _ shame _ .

(he couldn’t rid of the feeling, even if he tried.)

Then  _ disappoint _ .

(everything he had done in the past would forever stay attached to him.)

Then  _ anger _ .

(anger at himself for doing horrid things to his friends, to his family, to himself.)

No break, just color explosions underneath his eyelids, painful ringing in his ears, the singe of tears against his cheek, the twinge of his heart at every explosion. They weren’t real explosions, no, Tubbo had always been overdramatic. 

Tubbo didn’t deserve the relief that would follow another execution. Tubbo didn’t deserve to die and leave every mess he’d ever made behind for others to pick up.

He was already a  _ nuisance _ , dying would only make the guilt worse.

So, with numb limbs, Tubbo pried himself off the wall of his house and got back to work.

Tubbo was going to be productive. And maybe, just maybe, he’d get a visitor today.

**Author's Note:**

> hello hello
> 
> like i said, this was supposed to be a momma puffy fic but maybe next time. i enjoy readin tubbo angst so i thought i'd try my hand at it, ya know ? if it's confusin, , , , , ,, , , ,, , my b, please forgive me
> 
> !! anywho !!
> 
> ( follow my twt if you wanna scream at someone, i'm all ears (@ramtooshort) )
> 
> comments n kudos always appreciated :]]
> 
> love you n thanks for readin this far mwah mwah /p


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